Showered with kisses!!

Blogging has been near the top of my to-do list for quite some time. The problem is that the few things that are actually at the top of the list have also been a struggle to get done. We are in survival mode around here, which I usually detest, but due to recent circumstances, am happy to settle into for a bit longer.

November 20th is when this story began... actually, years before then. I have always struggled with my weight. I am a champion dieter, having tried over 15 different dieting gimmicks. Some worked and some didn't. I would lose weight only to put it back on later. Even in high school, I felt different than many of my peers who were thin and seemed to be without worry.

Weight is all a matter of perspective for me. During high school, I felt very fat and overweight, despite being a great swimmer and water polo player. Now I would give almost anything to be down to my high school graduating weight.

Wrongly, I have felt for years that if I lost weight, many of my 'problems and worries' would dissipate. Since having back surgery in October, 2007, I have gained about 30 pounds... stubborn, stubborn pounds which seem to resist vacating my thighs, stomach, and cheeks (both sets.)

In the last year, my health has worsened and I began looking for an 'out of the box' way to get rid of my extra poundage once and for all. It began consuming my mind. I would think about my weight multiple times every day, and it began crippling the joy I used to have.

I started to consider weight loss surgery. To make a very long journey short ( and readable), we found out that the insurance we self pay for every month did not cover this type of surgery.

Since John is a real estate agent and I am not working right now, we pay $900/month for insurance. Our family has been inundated with medical issues this last year, so most of the time we thank God for our insurance. This time we did not! Frustration seemed to pervade our spirits. Families who have Oregon Health Plan, Medicare, or Medicaid can qualify for the surgery, but we could not. We tried to appeal, to no avail.

I felt like I was left with one option: MEXICO. There are well-trained surgeons there who will perform the LAP-BAND surgery for a fraction of the price it would be to pay for it here.

We got creative with finances, pulled out some retirement, and prepared for a life-changing surgery. If you know me at all, you know I don't make decisions lightly, and so I spent hours and hours online researching and communicating with various surgeons. I narrowed it down and my surgery was scheduled for December 1, 2008. I did a 10-day pre-op liquid diet, and then John and I made the trip to Tijuana.

We returned home on December 3rd, and I was hopeful for my weight loss to begin. All of our Christmas preparation was done... getting a tree, decorating the house, buying and wrapping presents...all by the Saturday after Thanksgiving.

Less than 24 hours after returning home, my pain was worsening, and I began having chills. We went to the ER over at Mt Hood. John thought I would be given some better pain medicine and we would be sent on our way; I knew the process would not be that quick. Walking into the hospital I bet John that I would be admitted for at least a couple of days. He glanced at me, incredulously. Little did we know...

We checked into the ER about 9pm. I was rushed to Good Samaritan to be treated by a leading Bariatric surgeon in Portland. I was in surgery by 5:30am. The results of the surgery would not be made known to me until I returned to my room about 8am. I had several pockets of infected fluid, and my lap band needed to be removed. I was devastated. Still am.

What promised to be a successful plan for weight loss (loss of 90 pounds over the next 10 months) turned into a really dissapointing trial. I have 9 incisions on my abdomen, one which is open and needs to be 'packed' once a day. I am still in a lot pain, and have a myriad of differing emotions flooding my mind.

Dissapointment for the loss of what I thought might bring an end to my struggle with weight.
Guilty for using a lot of money on what ended up being a futile process.
Anger that the doctor in Mexico will not take responsibility for his involvement in introducing a very rare bacteria into my body.
Guilty for 'using up' and taking away some of the Christmas season from Amaya and Tennyson.
Thankful for my understanding husband, parents, and daughters.

Amaya, as she showered my tear-stained face with kisses, the other morning, said, "Mom, you don't have to be a perfect mom to still be the best mommy ever." I love that girl!